Just keep swimming

 
 
In those darkest of moments that infiltrate my days, it can be quite overwhelming to think about what lies ahead. The uncertainty of not having any viable job oppotunities on the horizon, the staggering speed at which the cost of living simply burns through our bank account, the depth of the shame that sometimes chokes the breath from me. It's during those moments of self-pity that I find myself somehow fighting hardest to overcome the despair. I can vividly recall a near-drowning incident, being pounded by wave after wave, exhausted and clawing my way to the surface, desperate for air, only to get pounded under again. Just when I thought I couldn't do it anymore, I fought all the harder because I didn't want to fail my family. At that moment, success was nothing more than fresh air. And then success was breaking free of the rip tide and the waves. And then it was feeling the sand beneath my feet as I got to the shallows. And my reward for fighting was being with my family again, resting on the beach. Until now, I've never shared how close I'd come because I refused to ackowledge the possibility of failure, regardless of the finality of that situation.

Now I can't help but think back to that scene and remind myself over and over again to fight back, and to fight back hard. Of course I succumb to brief bouts of sadness, but I find snippets of life that force me past those moments. Be it the laughter of my children, the grasp of my wife's hand, or laughing at my latest boneheaded move, there's always something that snaps me out of the darkness. The trick is to keep my head up and to choose not to dwell on the despair, but to relive the laughter from so many moments in time. As Dorrie in Finding Nemo put it, "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming!" And so I just keep swimming, fighting the undertow of gloom, and fixing my sights on the horizon.

 This morning, I imagined just how strange I must have looked on the elliptical machine, sweating profusely, churning away madly, and all the while grinning ear-to-ear because of the particular song that I was listening to. I could readily see myself coming across as  sweaty, round, and certifiable, and it just made me giggle. And I just kept swimming. We'll be on that beach again, I know so.